For the past year and month or so I have been in therapy. I have been battling depression and OCD and I can finally say that I am kicking the depression’s ass. I have been for a little while now and in fact I am so far along that in about six months I should be done with therapy. That is what I am hoping for anyway.
But before that happens, the integration back in to society will happen. I’ve already got the part of going to a gym down, now comes the getting a new place and getting a job. I’m still not quite sure what I want to do. Everyone has opted for Children’s Day Care again, but I can’t see myself back there again. And I was definitely not planning on working in a store or something like that.
I might be thinking of doing some volunteer work, but I need to figure out if the social security people are okay with that, since I am still getting paid via them. I’d definitely volunteer at an animal shelter, which, coincidentally also resides on my 101 in 1001 list.
And some may kick me for saying this, but I am actually, genuinly interested in how certain people from my past are doing. I think I’m not made to keep grudges against people no matter how much I think they hurt me. Well actually that is not true, I am indifferent towards my father. But you can’t ask me to take the first step, that would be like kicking myself in the shins several times.
Alright that is enough for now. I leave you all with a cute picture of Lucky Charlie:
Lucky Charlie
It took a while but it seems that I finally have a diagnosis of some of my problems
It was a pretty big pill to swallow when I first heard it, but it explains a lot about my feelings and how I got to this point.
I will also be undergoing some testing to see if I have ADD, which would also explain a lot of my behavior (for instance beind destracted by every little thing or, as explained to me, having hyperfocus where I can concentrate on something and not have anything at all distract me.)
I will update more as I find out more. Currently I am getting in contact with my closest neighbour (my mother’s best friend) and have her meet with me and the psychiatrist.
Imagine yourself having to count all the stair steps, every single day, every single time you go up or down the stairs, imagine having to repeat a stentence or word 3 times in your head when thinking about things when you are laying down in bed, then imagine yourself having to add up the numbers that you see until you have a single digit number left (5+5+9=19=1+9=10=1+0=1).
These are just a few ways that the ‘performing tasks’ part of OCD manifests in me. Isn’t that tiring? Absolutely it is; nearly a 100% of the day this goes on in my head.
The causes vary from Psychological (unconscious conflicts which manifested as symptoms; for instance, avoiding feelings) or Biological (majority of researchers believe that there is some type of abnormality with the neurotransmitter serotonin, among other possible psychological or biological abnormalities; however, it is possible that this activity is the brain’s response to OCD, and not its cause)
I have a lot of different ‘performing tasks’; they may vary to the slightest thing (keeping the phone at a certain spot) to the biggest thing (doing everything in a certain order).
All these things manifest because consciously and subconsciously I am trying to keep my feelings, and thoughts away, and then trying to distract myself from doing the actual tasks.
I am tiring myself now.
If anyone wants to know more about this, and what it means for me (and want to know more about how this manifests in me) then leave me a comment and I’ll type up a little more.
I will also be typing some other things up that are part of my diagnosis.
I’ve had somewhat of a rough week. Got my ass ‘kicked’ in Therapy for being in the background and not speaking to much. Or when I actually do talk that I talk too much; color me confused.
Truth is that, in a sense, had to start over with telling my story. It is not something I like to do. I hate being the center of attention and I’m scared to open up because I’m a fraid people will look down on me if they would know everything that is going on and that I’m not the strong, tough me that I’ve always acted to be.
I’ll probably be doing a whole lot of talking next week.
Started in my new group today; things went quite well… save for the tons of terms and words I had no idea what they were talking about.
I had recieved a bunch of paper beforehand that is supposed to explain everything, but it is ‘psychotherapist’ talk that can only be understood by University Graduates. They said I will eventually get the hang of it and spit out the words with ease, but I know that I’ll be confuzzeled for at least a month.
Today was a good day. I like my group. They’re great fun. And it was not too intense for a first day.
I will get into more details later, but right now I have a diary to write in (I hate homework) for Therapy
Here is something I thought I’d never say…. I am taking a little time off from the Internet. I have been thinking about this for a week or so and have been trying to write this blog entry for two days now, trying to word everything properly so that everyone understands what is going on and know the reason why I am not online.
The only thing I’ll be doing is check my e-mail and write blog entries when the spirit drives me. Why? I need the rest. I am tired of people questioning my every move and if that is ‘the right thing’ for me. Only two people don’t (A & M) for which I am glad. I do have to apologize for one thing to A, she knows what and why, emotions have just been overflowing at the moment and at the blink of an eye things get misinterpreted by me or by someone I am talking to and I want to avoid those things for now because the last thing I want is friendships breaking.
As for all the others; I need to stop surrounding me with people who only see the negative. Save for the two I mentioned earlier, people have been questioning everything about me. Specifically why I have not been telling them much (which, surprisingly, is a question I have been getting a lot from family members). The simple reason for that is that I am physically and emotionally drained after telling everything in therapy that I do not want to rehash it all over again. This is something people don’t seem to understand.
In fact, a lot of things do not get understand by people. If I tell them something that is the truth on how I react to or feel about certain things, all I hear is ‘Oh but really you shouldn’t’ or ‘Come on it is not that bad!’
It seems that the ‘general population’ seem to think that I am in a backwards spiral yet again. That I can’t face the fight that is going on right now. While the facts are that I have never fought a harder battle then what I am doing right now.
Since the breakdown I have chosen to fight this depression and have not looked back (except in therapy of course). I am fighting with everything I have and I am hanging on with all my might. I am not giving up. I am doing okay; I am able to pay my bills and rent and all that and still have a little left over every month that goes in a savings account.
I am going to get through this no matter what. I am not giving up the fight. Even if it is my whole life.
Well, I’ve had quite the day. It started out horrible; it was raining and I had to ride my bicycle to therapy (since the damn buses are on on strike for a better CAO (collectieve arbeidsovereenkomst = collective labor agreement) . Not Fun. I got soaked, I believe the only part of me that was actually dry was my ass (because I was sitting on it obviously). Then during lunch I had to go out because I forgot to take something with me, I got soaked again. I hadn’t even fully dried up from that morning.
Third time is the charm right? Yup absolutely; when I got back from a 3pm appointment it was raining again and this time even my underwear was wet.
It’ll be a miracle if I make it through the weekend without getting sick.
On another note: Yes, I know I have not been Miss Available at the moment. I am just going through a lot of stuff and with the sleeping pills I have to take each night I have been just too tired to stay up for long after I’ve taken the damn things. Therapy is taking a lot out of me as well and when I actually do feel up to being online, the people I want to talk to are not.
I do hope to be able to chat with ya’all more soon. Please just bare with me and we’ll play catch up real soon.
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