The Big Important Life Update (Part 3)

And here I went from posting every day for a month and a half to posting every couple of days. It is so easy to slack off / procrastinate when there is not a goal / assignment attached to it. Do any of you have the same problem? I do enjoy writing and coming up with a log post, but it is so easy to just leave it be.

I have the same problem with blog posts that are a series. I started writing a series of ‘the big important life update’ (part 1 and part 2 so far) and then I just STOPPED WRITING IT. I mean seriously, why is it so hard to continue with these damn updates. I was doing pretty darn good too.

So this will in fact be The Big Important Life Update Part 3.

Today marks the end of the third week without daily therapy. It’s been rough. I miss the people and strangely enough I miss certain therapists. I knew I was going to miss the group, but I didn’t think I’d miss the therapists as much as I do. Guess I thought wrong. I am however still in contact with the Drama therapist, D. I’ve worked with her two times now, getting some ‘kinks’ out of my life that are still in there and to discover how much of those kinks I actually *want* to lose.

Monday I had my second appointment with her, which I was glad for because my day was slowly turning to shit. I woke up with a bad feeling. I just knew that this day was not going to be a good day and it was pissing me off. Then when I was at the train station, there was this wave of people coming from the right who were getting off the train and I nearly had a panic attack.

I’m not good with crowds, I’ve never been and I probably never will be, but for the past year or so I have been able to manage the level of anxiety when I’m in a crowd and I was doing fine, but this just came out of the blue. I talked with D about this and somehow we ended up with the conclusion that I ‘borrow my self confidence from others’.

This basically means that I haven’t been able to develop my ‘id’, my ‘ego’. My true self. When my mother was still alive I ‘borrowed’ my self from her self. We were entwined so to speak. A symbiosis if you will. I think I’ll let the Psychiatric definition speak for itself.

a relationship between two people in which each person is dependent upon and receives reinforcement, whether beneficial or detrimental, from the other.

With my self confidence it is pretty much the same, save for the part where the other is dependent on me. See it as ‘if THEY fail, how am I supposed to do it better‘

Yes, I’m distorted that way. But how would you have grown up when your mother passed away at 16, one of the most important times in your life, and your father doesn’t guide you through those years after.