Some of you have asked me privately how my life is going at the moment and I haven’t really responded to that other than the usual ‘It’s Going’. I thought it was about time to give you all a bigger update than that.
At this moment I am nearly done with Therapy. It took me about a year and a half, but I am almost done. I had a little ‘I don’t want to live anymore’ moment about 6 months back where I just didn’t see the point in living anymore and I was at a standstill in therapy. I just didn’t give a shit anymore. I couldn’t care less if I’d be run over by a car and drop dead at that point.
And then came the break through. Yup. I had a breakthrough. It might not even seem such a big deal to people outside of therapy, but it was pretty significant. I actually admitted to myself and others that I didn’t want to live anymore. I said it out loud and a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. I cried and cried, and then I cried some more. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time. It just felt so good telling other people about what was going through my mind and people actually cared. I never had an experience like this before. People cared, some even felt the same way. I was not alone anymore.
Ever since that break things have been going better each month. I started talking more, I opened up about my true feelings, what I really thought about something. It was still hard to do, it is not a change that comes over night, but I was getting there. The bigger thing is, that I actually had things to say. I actually did have thoughts about certain subjects. Before I thought I was just blindly following the crowd, but now that I’ve actually started thinking for myself and letting myself speak that out loud, it felt so freeing.
It was also something that scared me a lot. A lot of people never saw this side of me and it scared them. I suddenly wasn’t the sweet and nice and caring person that said yes to almost every one. I lost some friends a long the way, but I can now honestly say that maybe it was for the best. Some times people come into our lives and shake things up and then suddenly just as fast they can go away. But in the time, how ever long that may be, you learn stuff, you get to know yourself better. You get to know your boundaries, what you want and what you don’t want. With what you want to budge a little and with what you won’t. Do things that make YOU feel comfortable. Some people come into your life for that reason and it may be a great couple of days, months, years, how ever long it may be, and after that you split your ways.
That split can be good and it can be bad. For me, on occasion, that split has been bad. Some of it was my fault and some of it was theirs. But that does not take away the fact that they have enriched my life and taught me valuable lessons, even if I haven’t seen them, or told them how much I appreciated them.
I do wish them all the best in the world and hope they have a wonderful life still ahead of them….
to be continued… … … …
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