Reflection
I used to never let my emotions get the best of me, but lately it seems that one emotion, with its various sub emotions, does exactly that. The one emotion I don’t want to have; Anger. If there is one emotion I hate, it is anger. And a little under four to five months ago, I released that anger by cutting myself. Cutting was the release for almost every emotion I had, if I even had them. Most of the times I cut was because I WANTED to FEEL SOMETHING. But when I did feel something I cut again because those wounds I could tend to.
The past couple of weeks things have happened that made the anger overshout every other emotion and the need for cutting came up again. I haven’t so far. The one promise I made myself keep was to stop cutting once I got in therapy and find another release for the anger. Sometimes I write, sometimes I scrap, just to keep my hands busy. I also seem to have a knack for rearranging my livingroom. The thing is, the feeling to cut doesn’t go away. Sometimes I get so pissed that I just want to cut and cut until I can’t no more.
Things get me so pissed. Why is it that I just can’t say goodbye. Why is it that I HAVE to repond. Why is it that I even read the messages? Is it some sort of self loathing, or perhaps is it another way to automutilate, just not have the physical scars? I need to find out why I do this, why I hurt myself so much, every single time. Is it defending myself, defending others?
There’s no wonder the anger is bubbling up to the surface since you started therapy. Those emotions we try to keep controlled and under wraps tend to jump up and bit you when you start poking around in it. Just give yourself time to try and figure out the answers to your questions and take up knitting. I’m dead serious. Knitting is great for that. Or, you know, anything else to keep your hands busy.