Have decided to write several posts on the how and what is going on (more detailed then this post). I’ll do it in series, writing it all down in one session will cause an overload.
Monthly Archive for June, 2008
Here is something I thought I’d never say…. I am taking a little time off from the Internet. I have been thinking about this for a week or so and have been trying to write this blog entry for two days now, trying to word everything properly so that everyone understands what is going on and know the reason why I am not online.
The only thing I’ll be doing is check my e-mail and write blog entries when the spirit drives me. Why? I need the rest. I am tired of people questioning my every move and if that is ‘the right thing’ for me. Only two people don’t (A & M) for which I am glad. I do have to apologize for one thing to A, she knows what and why, emotions have just been overflowing at the moment and at the blink of an eye things get misinterpreted by me or by someone I am talking to and I want to avoid those things for now because the last thing I want is friendships breaking.
As for all the others; I need to stop surrounding me with people who only see the negative. Save for the two I mentioned earlier, people have been questioning everything about me. Specifically why I have not been telling them much (which, surprisingly, is a question I have been getting a lot from family members). The simple reason for that is that I am physically and emotionally drained after telling everything in therapy that I do not want to rehash it all over again. This is something people don’t seem to understand.
In fact, a lot of things do not get understand by people. If I tell them something that is the truth on how I react to or feel about certain things, all I hear is ‘Oh but really you shouldn’t’ or ‘Come on it is not that bad!’
It seems that the ‘general population’ seem to think that I am in a backwards spiral yet again. That I can’t face the fight that is going on right now. While the facts are that I have never fought a harder battle then what I am doing right now.
Since the breakdown I have chosen to fight this depression and have not looked back (except in therapy of course). I am fighting with everything I have and I am hanging on with all my might. I am not giving up. I am doing okay; I am able to pay my bills and rent and all that and still have a little left over every month that goes in a savings account.
I am going to get through this no matter what. I am not giving up the fight. Even if it is my whole life.
Well, I’ve had quite the day. It started out horrible; it was raining and I had to ride my bicycle to therapy (since the damn buses are on on strike for a better CAO (collectieve arbeidsovereenkomst = collective labor agreement) . Not Fun. I got soaked, I believe the only part of me that was actually dry was my ass (because I was sitting on it obviously). Then during lunch I had to go out because I forgot to take something with me, I got soaked again. I hadn’t even fully dried up from that morning.
Third time is the charm right? Yup absolutely; when I got back from a 3pm appointment it was raining again and this time even my underwear was wet.
It’ll be a miracle if I make it through the weekend without getting sick.
On another note: Yes, I know I have not been Miss Available at the moment. I am just going through a lot of stuff and with the sleeping pills I have to take each night I have been just too tired to stay up for long after I’ve taken the damn things. Therapy is taking a lot out of me as well and when I actually do feel up to being online, the people I want to talk to are not.
I do hope to be able to chat with ya’all more soon. Please just bare with me and we’ll play catch up real soon.
Trying to keep my mind busy and not going into another depression during the hours I am not at therapy, I have started to re-watch my favorite doomsday/post apocalyptic movies (such as I am Legend, Day After Tomorrow, Resident Evil series), or well, any disaster/horror/doomsday/apocalyptic movie really. Just no bugs.. really.
While doing some reading up on I Am Legend at Wikipedia, I clicked a link to find a ton more movies that I want to see. So I am right now looking through the imdb.com pages of several movies and the following are my choices for the next couple of days.
The Invasion
As a Washington psychiatrist unearths the origin of an alien epidemic, she also discovers her son might be the only way it can be stopped.
Sunshine
A team of astronauts are sent to re-ignite the dying sun 50 years into the future.
If anyone knows of any other good ones, please let me know.
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